The Life of a Lifeguard

So I have spent many hours this summer working... as a lifeguard. Most people just give the lifeguard a passing glance, and don't even think about it. Well, I am here to give you the inside scoop about lifeguards. This may sound creepy, but lifeguards are watching you almost every moment you are in the pool.... don't you want to know what those lifeguards are thinking and judging about you?! Here are a few day to day experiences of a lifeguard.

The Sad Part of Lifeguarding:
Fat Kids: I know that sounds way insensitive, but it is true. There are so many overweight kids that come to the pool. Especially the really young kids that already have beer bellies. That just kills me the most. I want to go and punch the parents in the face and tell them that they have already ruined these cute kids' lives. How hard is it to feed your kids healthy foods and take them outside to play every once in a while?
Angry Parents: The parents that have a extremely short temper with their kids are the worst. These people are just trying to find one little thing that they can freak out about. If the little kids can't keep up with the parent's speed walking, then they are in for some serious yelling and arm yanking. I don't even want to know what the parents do to their kids when they are not in a public place. it is just so sad sometimes. Okay, time for some more upbeat stuff

The Annoying Part of Lifeguarding:
Heartless Dad: So dad figures that if he just throws the kid in the water... then the kid will learn how to swim... this is not good for the kid or the lifeguard. The kid panics, and the lifeguard is on the edge of her seat waiting to see if this dad will really let his own child drown. The dad just watches his kid struggle in the relentless current of the hackin lazy river. ahhhh... So for any of you who are considering this approach for swim lessons... please DON'T. It will probably mentally scar your child for life and it is really stressful for the poor lifeguard that is on stand.
Kids That Don't Listen: Some kids can be really stupid. They will seriously break the same rule over and over again. You tell them to stop and they just move to a different part of the pool and start breaking the rules. Whether it be making out or diving into the shallow end, these kids just don't stop... It is even worse when the parents just sit back and watch their kids break the rules... ugh! Parents! I have a message for you. Lifeguards are not babysitters. You do not lose responsibility for your kids just because there are other people around who are willing to yell at them for you. seriously.
Guy Packs: Most young adult males have at least an average intelligence level. Yet, the fascinating thing is that the intelligence level plummets when men get together in a group. Most individual guys will follow the rules and just have normal fun. But when they come in a group... all common sense disappears. You would not believe some of the stuff these guys try to do. They usually end up just wrestling each other for two hours straight (or have a belly flop contest... does that really prove that you are a man?), because that is all that they can think of when they are together.... bro love?

Gross Part of Lifeguarding:
Poopylicious: Guess who gets to clean poop, vomit, or any other body fluids?? ya thats right... the lifeguards. The pool people don't talk about it so the patrons don't freak out. I suggest that if you have a private pool... use it always. Public pools are not a good place to be. ew. It seems that these incidents always happen on my break, so (naturally) it is my job every hackin time! ugh.

The Awesome Part of Lifeguarding:
Empty Pool: When no one is at the pool. The lifeguard is free to read. yes! So of course the best time to be a lifeguard is when you don't have to actually do your job. The guards can even have a diving contest at the outdoor pool. (or just take a mid day nap)
Lightning! The best thing ever! All of the people have to leave the building and the guards get to stay. The lifeguards play cards, order food, and hang out. They get paid to watch the thunderstorm. Lightning is the best scenario for lifeguards (minus the part where they are hanging out by a body of water during an electrical storm)
Private Parties: Sometimes the private parties will bring way too much food. They will offer us a meal at the end of the night! yes! (although it is quite disappointing when they carry all of that wondrous food out the door) so all i can say is... remember the lifeguards, they get hungry too. and they are staying an extra two hours just for you...

The Scary Part of Lifeguarding:
Insane Angry People: The pool has a strict swimsuit only policy... so the lifeguards have to tell the people that they have to get out of the pool because they have basketball shorts instead of swim trunks... needless to say, some of the people are not happy about it. These people will scream in your face until the end of time. You send them to the head guard because you are pretty sure they are about to murder you. It seems like the really big scary people are the ones that always get angry.... but there is nothing that the lifeguard can do... rules are rules. So please people! don't attack us. Lifeguards aren't excited about kicking you out, in fact, they dread it.
My Main Purpose: Lifeguarding seems so easy and ridiculous sometimes. But the lifeguard must always remember why they are there. They are there to make sure that no one drowns or gets hurt. It the lifeguard gets lazy or doesn't pay attention... then some kid could die. It can be really difficult to stay focused when it is the end of a seven hour shift. But the lifeguards have to remember what is important, they are responsible for everyone in that pool. One little mistake can have grave consequences.

The Cute Part of Lifeguarding:
Babies: Babies are just so dang cute. (especially the ones that don't cry) They just let their parents carry them around the pool. They love every second of it. and! (bonus) they don't break any rules, so the lifeguards don't have to yell at them. The babies will just ignore the parent and stare up at the lifeguard. Babies are the only people who will genuinely smile and wave at lifeguards. And let me tell you... it makes my day.
The Toddlers: They are pretty cute too. They will just follow their parents around. And they make the funniest comments. One kid went down the slide with his dad many times. And every time he would scream over and over "IM GONNA DIE!!!" He would finish the ride and realize it was fun, so he would go up again. I would like to figure out how some kids have no problem with the diving board... and others... are petrified. They seriously freeze on the board. They won't go forward or backward. No amount of coaxing will make them jump. One little kid got up to the edge of the board and looked down... he said (in his little mature voice) "I'm sorry dad, but this is way too scary for me" and then he turns around and just marches right off the board. I heard another story from a lifeguard about a little kid who was just walking by. He was covering is mouth, and the lifeguard thought that he might be sick and vomit or something. She was dreading the moment that he would let loose when suddenly.... she realizes that the kid wasn't sick, but he was totally beat boxing. And he was really really good! Coolest. Little. Kid. Ever.

The Funny Part of Lifeguarding:
No Running: The indoor pool is full of surprises. (especially for the kids who run) I don't know if they did this on purpose, but the no running tiles on the ground get REALLY slippery when wet. So, it is a great moment when the running kid that the lifeguard has been yelling at constantly.... finally! slips on the no running sign and falls on his butt. The lifeguard has a great feeling of satisfaction (until the kid gets back up and starts running again)
6 Inches From Drowning: I was in the competition pool, and then a lady got my attention. She pointed at a boy in the second lane that was struggling to stay above water. He was definitely distressed and needed help.... The only thing was that he was six inches away from a lane line... All he has to do reach out and grab it. The lady asks if I should do something, and then I reply with, "he will figure it out eventually." (I am Not getting wet at the beginning of a 7 hour shift because some kid won't open his eyes) He wasn't alone. He was in a swim lesson so the teacher and all of the other students and parents were just watching this kid struggle... needless to say he finally opened his eyes and grabbed the line. (this doesn't make me sound very responsible, but seriously! the kid knew how to swim.)
Seizure Lady: This experience is rather recent. I have never guarded when the seizure lady was swimming. I was in the competition pool, when a little old lady comes in and starts to swim laps. She gets to the wall and starts just holding onto the wall and kicking. But then, the flutter kicking turns into jerks and her body is all rigid. This lady looks like she is having a full blown seizure!! I freak out and hop down from my stand and start over to her. I am wondering if she is for real, when suddenly she stops. She just turns around and starts swimming across the pool. what the hack? She gets to the other side and does the seizure thing again! Okay......? I swear she is just trying to freak lifeguards out. Apparently, all of the lifeguards refer to her as Seizure Lady. I don't know if fake seizures is a good cardio workout. I will have to ask her.

Well this post is probably more for my benefit than for anyone else. If I vent then maybe I won't go all postal on the patrons.

The Indicators that my Childhood has come to an End.

o hey...

So I am beginning to realize that my adolescent years are coming to an end. I no longer have an excuse to be emotionally crazy sometimes. My angst level will also have to decrease. blast! I will no longer be able to convince my mom to buy everything for me... dude. this time is just so bittersweet. Anyways, I am going to list the reasons/events that mark The END of my innocent years.

1. Smallville is officially over. I watched the series finale a couple weeks ago. (Spoiler alert) Clark Kent FINALLY learns to fly, after ten long years. it was fantastic!

2. The Harry Potter franchise is coming to an end in July. The movies/books are finally over... farewell! all of those midnight shows with mountain dew and pixie sticks are almost over. I remember when I saw the first harry potter book and was hesitant to read it because it looked a little silly.

3. Osama Bin Laden is dead. He has been the nation's number one enemy since I was in fifth grade. We have hunted him for ten years. He is gone. (so who is our number one enemy now?)

4. A couple of my friends are engaged! what? I will soon be attending some bachelorette parties. I have definitely moved on into a new life phase. (although I admit that I am still in denial about my friends actually getting married... It probably won't hit me until I see them in wedding dresses.)

5. I thought that I should add this one, because it is common sense... My childhood is over because I have been in college for two years now, and I am getting my bachelors degree in six months. hmmmmmm ya....

Year 2 is down. One semester to go.

It is truly a glorious day. I am done with school, and I am concluding my first weekend at home in Salt Lake. I had six finals! SIX. ah. Okay so it wasn't that bad. I don't know about other people, but finals week kind of demotivates me. (is that a word?) I work super hard all semester, and then finals week arrives and BAM! I really don't care... This is definitely not a good mind set... ugh A truly marvalous part of being a PE major is that I do not have to write papers. yes! just tests. I am pretty sure I passed all of them. I can't wait to get my grades back.

So I had to clean my apartment before I could move out. When we moved into this apartment... it was DISGUSTING. There was stuff smeared all over the walls and everything. gross. Needless to say, the apartment had to be cleaned before I could even think of relaxing in that place. We got the cleaning list, and we kind of split the jobs. My roommate was staying three days longer, so I was in charge of doing all of the less obvious jobs that would stay clean until saturday. I ended up with cleaning under the stove, fridge, washer, and dryer. ew. That was soooo gross. I don't understand, we hardly ever used the stove. So after doing all of the crazy cleaning jobs I had one thing to do. I had to fill in all of the nail and tac holes in the walls... I don't have putty for that. And then my parents suggested a genius idea. I could touch up the walls with toothpastes. yes! It took me an hour and a half to fix the walls of my room and the kitchen. holy cow. The walls of my previous apartment may or may not smell minty fresh for the next occupant. Because there were ALOT of touch ups. I also somehow managed to fit all of my stuff into my little car. phew. that was quite the adventure. So you know the rest. I have come home and now I have to unpack. I also have to totally clean out my room here. Cats, dog, and plants for the garden have taken over my room. (what? ew) This week is just testing, packing, cleaning, unpacking, cleaning again, laundry. And that is the story of my life. (very exhilarating, i know)

Fellow Students and I learned a Valuable New Skill

It is so close to the end of the semester! I can't even wait. Although there is a downside. (other than finals.) My fellow classmates are starting to get on my nerves. I know that my complaining classifies me as an annoying person/student, but o well. I have to let out my frustration here, or else I will blow up in class and everyone will find out how truly crazy I am. There are a few people who are complete arrogant know it alls. (I admit I am definitely capable of being a know-it-all. Just ask my family) Anyways! We are talking about whether people with fake prosthetics legs can sprint faster than a person with normal legs. Because a man with no legs wanted to compete in the regular Olympics. We were giving our opinions, and I said that we need to do more research to see if the man with prosthetic legs actually has an advantage. Then... this guy tells me to my face that I am wrong and that normal people and disabled people should not compete against each other. I tell him that I disagree, and then he goes off like he knows exactly what he is talking about. Well sorry! dude. Last time I checked, we are all sitting in a undergraduate PE class in southern utah... I am pretty sure that there are no experts on lower leg prosthetics in class. So stop acting like you have a PhD. Bah! oookay I feel much better. I am sure that you love to listen to me vent. ... or not So I am now going to some crazy classes at Gold's Gym. haha! I am going to Power Pump and Cardio Blast class. haha! awesome. The instructors always have huge muscles and are in good shape. I am the one in the back who is trying to keep up. And I am the girl with no muscles and I have the legs of hackin giraffe... (girls in high school always said I had flamingo legs.... what does that even mean?!!) bah. Anyways, the cardio class was so hackin hard! holy crap. It has been a long time since I have wanted to keel over and die because of a workout. I also did a lap of lunges around the track and 300 calf raises last Saturday. Needless to say, I spent most of this week limping around. Ouch... curse you Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. You are the bane of my existence. I try to convince myself that soreness is good, but I still whine when I have to stand up and walk to my next class. The front door of my apartment broke. The key would not unlock the door. ughhhh. So we decided to not lock the door, until it was fixed. But! She locked it anyways one night... So.... I learned a new and valuable skill. I can now break in to my apartment using my golds gym pass. (who knew that a golds gym pass could have so many uses) So I have been breaking into my apartment daily because the door is locked. I would not be surprised if someone thinks I am a thief. Would the cops believe me if I told them this was my apartment? haha! I can now break into my apartment faster than unlocking the door. Who knew a golds gym card could open my door easier than a key? It has been fixed, but I am a little worried about other people breaking in. (If I can figure it out, then that means that ANYONE can) Ah! Someone is going to break in and kill me in the middle of the night... So, I shall conclude on that cheery note....

What a Crazy Week!

O ya. I totally killed the biomechanics test! yes! awesome. Anyways, I had a strange week... I had three tests and a final presentation on obesity. phew it is over. They all went pretty well I think. I was also in charge of an intramural pickleball tournament. It was a success, and it was quite hilarious. I was in a group of five and somehow I became the leader... (Even though I have no idea how brackets and tournaments work and I don't know anything about pickleball.) It was totally random. I have played pickleball a few times in my life, and I didn't even know what it was until I came to Cedar city. I don't know the rules, yet somehow everyone else in the group was reporting to me... ah. I am not into the March madness thing. I have no clue how to work a tournament and organize the brackets and seed the teams... wha!? I think this has proven my skill of delegating all of the work to others, while leaving all of the easy stuff to me. hmmmm. is that sneaky? It is okay though. I paid for it later. So, most of the group helped out, except two girls. They didn't do much, and on the second day they played in the tournament instead of organizing it. psh.. I somehow ended up by myself at the table trying to figure out the brackets that another kid organized. haha! Needless to say, I was totally brain dead by the end of the night. And! most of the pickleball players think I am a brainless blonde. Do you know how many blonde jokes I get? It is ridiculous! At least one per week. what the heck? Okay so I might be a little on edge sometimes, but that doesn't make me dumb. The jokers think that they are so funny. Guess what people! That was so ten years ago. Maybe it is a southern utah thing, Cedar city is a little behind on everything. Well this is short and sweet. and i would like to conclude that two of my friends were engaged this week. ah crazy. (congrats Dani and Shelly) The first of my friends to be engaged. and so it begins...

Spring Break!

It has been an interesting Spring Break... yep. Nothing really cool happened, but I somehow managed to read like eight books in five days. wow! I also managed to get NONE of my homework done... (not very impressive) I kind of have a twenty five minute presentation on Wednesday that I haven't even started to look through the material. ah!

I am trying to get an internship at TOSH. I got all of my immunizations and stuff done this week. ouch. Pertussis shot, blood drawn, and Tuberculosis test. I think that I have had my fill of needles for the next year at least. Also the red cross is stalking me, so they can steal more of my blood... hmmmm.

Okay last thing. I had an entire week to just sit around... Most of my friends still had school so..... what is there to do? nothing. And somehow everything goes wrong the day before I have to leave for Cedar City. My car didn't pass hackin inspection! The brake lights turn on when I turn on my headlights. Ya, that might be confusing for all of the other drivers out there. sorry! It also cost over 200 dollars to fix! unbelievable. I plan on making Artem become a mechanic so I never have to pay for labor again! Shawn, Devin, and Dad are going to be my home maintainence crew. Chelsea is going to be my designer/style expert/decorator(wow chels has quite the list of jobs. haha!) . Artem is the mechanic. My mom has to help me with everything else (including making me actually call people on the phone... is it weird that I HATE talking to people over the phone? I prefer email, text, or face to face. My mom literally has to dial the number and hand me the phone. ugh) Phones are just so awkward... okay anyways. I need to go do my taxes (When I say I... I actually mean my dad is going to do my taxes) Add doing taxes to my dad's job list. Lauren is the photographer. hmmm I am not sure about Aubrey... What else is necessary? And I can make some amazing kick butt exercise programs and help anyone with injuries or rehab after surgery. yes! My family rocks!! Wow this is quite the random paragraph. o well.

My biomechanics professor is very... passionate. He reminds us daily that we aren't good enough college students, and that he is teaching us concepts that we should already know... what? I didn't take biomechanics in high school! bleh. well, I was working on the homework, and the last question was a trick question... The professor's rule is if we ever have any questions or need help we can ask anyone but him.... does that make sense to you? whatever I had another professor help me with the problem and we figured out an answer. We are allowed to work on it in groups, so before class I told about a third of the class how the other professor solved it... (it had to be the right answer right?... wrong!) We corrected it and there was one final step that we didn't do... I could just feel the hostility directed at me from about a third of the class. ugh. I am trying to keep my head down more. Because one point in that class is a big deal. bahhh. I pretty much raced out of that class as fast as I could. Also we got another question wrong becuase when he asked for the answer, none of us spoke up and told him. We paused/choked for a few seconds so he told us that we all got it wrong. Needless to say, I am a little afraid of him, (and about a third of the class).

Anyways... I have one more thing to vent about... I have turned in my graduation papers, but! I also needed to fill in a diploma form. I went to go turn it in and the lady said I needed to pay a fee. Wait wait wait one second. I have been paying this school thousands of dollars each semester, and I have spent two and a half years at their school. I only get one tangible thing in return for all of my hard work... I get a piece of paper. And they are going to make me pay fifteen bucks for a diploma?! are you hackin kidding me? bah!! ridiculous. they won't even pay for a diploma.