The Life of a Lifeguard

So I have spent many hours this summer working... as a lifeguard. Most people just give the lifeguard a passing glance, and don't even think about it. Well, I am here to give you the inside scoop about lifeguards. This may sound creepy, but lifeguards are watching you almost every moment you are in the pool.... don't you want to know what those lifeguards are thinking and judging about you?! Here are a few day to day experiences of a lifeguard.

The Sad Part of Lifeguarding:
Fat Kids: I know that sounds way insensitive, but it is true. There are so many overweight kids that come to the pool. Especially the really young kids that already have beer bellies. That just kills me the most. I want to go and punch the parents in the face and tell them that they have already ruined these cute kids' lives. How hard is it to feed your kids healthy foods and take them outside to play every once in a while?
Angry Parents: The parents that have a extremely short temper with their kids are the worst. These people are just trying to find one little thing that they can freak out about. If the little kids can't keep up with the parent's speed walking, then they are in for some serious yelling and arm yanking. I don't even want to know what the parents do to their kids when they are not in a public place. it is just so sad sometimes. Okay, time for some more upbeat stuff

The Annoying Part of Lifeguarding:
Heartless Dad: So dad figures that if he just throws the kid in the water... then the kid will learn how to swim... this is not good for the kid or the lifeguard. The kid panics, and the lifeguard is on the edge of her seat waiting to see if this dad will really let his own child drown. The dad just watches his kid struggle in the relentless current of the hackin lazy river. ahhhh... So for any of you who are considering this approach for swim lessons... please DON'T. It will probably mentally scar your child for life and it is really stressful for the poor lifeguard that is on stand.
Kids That Don't Listen: Some kids can be really stupid. They will seriously break the same rule over and over again. You tell them to stop and they just move to a different part of the pool and start breaking the rules. Whether it be making out or diving into the shallow end, these kids just don't stop... It is even worse when the parents just sit back and watch their kids break the rules... ugh! Parents! I have a message for you. Lifeguards are not babysitters. You do not lose responsibility for your kids just because there are other people around who are willing to yell at them for you. seriously.
Guy Packs: Most young adult males have at least an average intelligence level. Yet, the fascinating thing is that the intelligence level plummets when men get together in a group. Most individual guys will follow the rules and just have normal fun. But when they come in a group... all common sense disappears. You would not believe some of the stuff these guys try to do. They usually end up just wrestling each other for two hours straight (or have a belly flop contest... does that really prove that you are a man?), because that is all that they can think of when they are together.... bro love?

Gross Part of Lifeguarding:
Poopylicious: Guess who gets to clean poop, vomit, or any other body fluids?? ya thats right... the lifeguards. The pool people don't talk about it so the patrons don't freak out. I suggest that if you have a private pool... use it always. Public pools are not a good place to be. ew. It seems that these incidents always happen on my break, so (naturally) it is my job every hackin time! ugh.

The Awesome Part of Lifeguarding:
Empty Pool: When no one is at the pool. The lifeguard is free to read. yes! So of course the best time to be a lifeguard is when you don't have to actually do your job. The guards can even have a diving contest at the outdoor pool. (or just take a mid day nap)
Lightning! The best thing ever! All of the people have to leave the building and the guards get to stay. The lifeguards play cards, order food, and hang out. They get paid to watch the thunderstorm. Lightning is the best scenario for lifeguards (minus the part where they are hanging out by a body of water during an electrical storm)
Private Parties: Sometimes the private parties will bring way too much food. They will offer us a meal at the end of the night! yes! (although it is quite disappointing when they carry all of that wondrous food out the door) so all i can say is... remember the lifeguards, they get hungry too. and they are staying an extra two hours just for you...

The Scary Part of Lifeguarding:
Insane Angry People: The pool has a strict swimsuit only policy... so the lifeguards have to tell the people that they have to get out of the pool because they have basketball shorts instead of swim trunks... needless to say, some of the people are not happy about it. These people will scream in your face until the end of time. You send them to the head guard because you are pretty sure they are about to murder you. It seems like the really big scary people are the ones that always get angry.... but there is nothing that the lifeguard can do... rules are rules. So please people! don't attack us. Lifeguards aren't excited about kicking you out, in fact, they dread it.
My Main Purpose: Lifeguarding seems so easy and ridiculous sometimes. But the lifeguard must always remember why they are there. They are there to make sure that no one drowns or gets hurt. It the lifeguard gets lazy or doesn't pay attention... then some kid could die. It can be really difficult to stay focused when it is the end of a seven hour shift. But the lifeguards have to remember what is important, they are responsible for everyone in that pool. One little mistake can have grave consequences.

The Cute Part of Lifeguarding:
Babies: Babies are just so dang cute. (especially the ones that don't cry) They just let their parents carry them around the pool. They love every second of it. and! (bonus) they don't break any rules, so the lifeguards don't have to yell at them. The babies will just ignore the parent and stare up at the lifeguard. Babies are the only people who will genuinely smile and wave at lifeguards. And let me tell you... it makes my day.
The Toddlers: They are pretty cute too. They will just follow their parents around. And they make the funniest comments. One kid went down the slide with his dad many times. And every time he would scream over and over "IM GONNA DIE!!!" He would finish the ride and realize it was fun, so he would go up again. I would like to figure out how some kids have no problem with the diving board... and others... are petrified. They seriously freeze on the board. They won't go forward or backward. No amount of coaxing will make them jump. One little kid got up to the edge of the board and looked down... he said (in his little mature voice) "I'm sorry dad, but this is way too scary for me" and then he turns around and just marches right off the board. I heard another story from a lifeguard about a little kid who was just walking by. He was covering is mouth, and the lifeguard thought that he might be sick and vomit or something. She was dreading the moment that he would let loose when suddenly.... she realizes that the kid wasn't sick, but he was totally beat boxing. And he was really really good! Coolest. Little. Kid. Ever.

The Funny Part of Lifeguarding:
No Running: The indoor pool is full of surprises. (especially for the kids who run) I don't know if they did this on purpose, but the no running tiles on the ground get REALLY slippery when wet. So, it is a great moment when the running kid that the lifeguard has been yelling at constantly.... finally! slips on the no running sign and falls on his butt. The lifeguard has a great feeling of satisfaction (until the kid gets back up and starts running again)
6 Inches From Drowning: I was in the competition pool, and then a lady got my attention. She pointed at a boy in the second lane that was struggling to stay above water. He was definitely distressed and needed help.... The only thing was that he was six inches away from a lane line... All he has to do reach out and grab it. The lady asks if I should do something, and then I reply with, "he will figure it out eventually." (I am Not getting wet at the beginning of a 7 hour shift because some kid won't open his eyes) He wasn't alone. He was in a swim lesson so the teacher and all of the other students and parents were just watching this kid struggle... needless to say he finally opened his eyes and grabbed the line. (this doesn't make me sound very responsible, but seriously! the kid knew how to swim.)
Seizure Lady: This experience is rather recent. I have never guarded when the seizure lady was swimming. I was in the competition pool, when a little old lady comes in and starts to swim laps. She gets to the wall and starts just holding onto the wall and kicking. But then, the flutter kicking turns into jerks and her body is all rigid. This lady looks like she is having a full blown seizure!! I freak out and hop down from my stand and start over to her. I am wondering if she is for real, when suddenly she stops. She just turns around and starts swimming across the pool. what the hack? She gets to the other side and does the seizure thing again! Okay......? I swear she is just trying to freak lifeguards out. Apparently, all of the lifeguards refer to her as Seizure Lady. I don't know if fake seizures is a good cardio workout. I will have to ask her.

Well this post is probably more for my benefit than for anyone else. If I vent then maybe I won't go all postal on the patrons.